Subduing a Fat City of Fat People

Per the request of Mr. Saltzberg@gmail.com, I have taken yesterday's blog and replaced the words "Country" with "Fat City" and "Monster" with "Fat People." In doing so, Mr. Saltzberg@gmail.com believes that this will change the meaning of the blog entirely. Let's see if he's right...

I'm sure that many of you out there have never had to subdue a Fat City of Fat People. And hopefully, none of you will. In a world where terrorists, tsunamis, global warming, and Dakota Fanning post constant threats to humanity, there seems to be little emphasis on mere Fat Citites full of Fat People.

But friends, skinny Americans, wealthy Angelenos, I warn you this: Fat People Fat Cities are full of evil. Fat Cities of Fat People want to kill you, and more than kill you, they want to take your freedom and also many of your favorite appliances. In order to do so, they will inject persistent feelings of fear and chaos into your daily lives. They will use the media, car bombs, ski masks, and their Fatness as weapons. How can we defend ourselves and our American freedom that we hold so dear? Follow me, with your eyes, to a point just below this point, for pointers....

1. Be sure to stockpile the usual necesseties: water, canned food, piles of money, and rubbing alcohol.

2. If a Fat Person from a Fat People Fat City is attacking you directly, point a firehose in its direction and allow the water pressure to work its magic. If that doesn't work, try to light the Fat Person on fire. If that doesn't work, run but don't scream - screaming will only make you look weak in front of the Fat Person, and as Americans, we can't afford that.

3. Hang a sign in front of your house that reads "Fat People Food," with an arrow pointing to your neighbor's house. If we all do this, the Fat People are sure to get confused and lose interest.

4. When all else fails, patiently sit and wait for your local superhero to sweep in and rescue you.

Also, be sure to teach your children about Fat People. Kids must know that Fat People are a part of the world and that they intend to do us harm. If your children are terrorized or raped by a Fat Person, help them to cope by telling them that America is the greatest country on Earth, and that the Fat People are just jealous of our way of life.

And most importantly, have a blessed day.