I'm sure that many of you out there have never had to subdue a country of monsters. And hopefully, none of you will. I realize that in a world where terrorists, tsunamis, global warming, and Dakota Fanning pose constant threats to humanity, there seems little emphasis on mere countries full of monsters.
But friends, Americans, wealthy Angelenos, I warn you this: monster countries are full of evil. Countries of monsters want to kill you, and more than kill you, they want to take your freedom and also many of your favorite appliances. In order to do so, they will inject persistent feelings of fear and chaos into your daily lives. They will use the media, car bombs, ski masks, and their monsterness as weapons. How can we defend ourselves and our American freedom that we hold so dear? Follow me, with your eyes, to a point just below this point, for pointers....
1. Be sure to stockpile the usual necesseties: water, canned food, piles of money, and rubbing alcohol.
2. If a monster from a monster country is attacking you directly, point a firehose in its direction and allow the water pressure to work its magic. If that doesn't work, try to light the monster on fire. If that doesn't work, run but don't scream - screaming will only make you look weak in front of the monster, and as Americans, we can't afford that.
3. Hang a sign in front of your house that reads "Monster Food," with an arrow pointing to your neighbor's house. If we all do this, the monsters are sure to get confused and lose interest.
4. When all else fails, patiently sit and wait for your local superhero to sweep in and rescue you.
Also, be sure to teach your children about monsters. Kids must know that monsters are a part of the world and that they intend to do us harm. If your children are terrorized or raped by monster scum, help them to cope by telling them that America is the greatest country on Earth, and that the monsters are just jealous of our way of life.
And most importantly, have a blessed day.
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2 comments:
It's truly amazing, if you replace the word "country" with the word "Fat City," and the word "Monster" with "Fat People," this blog entry takes on a whole new (or perhaps its intended) meaning.
Now I know. And knowing is half the battle.
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