My Left Labia is Smarter Than You....

It's true. And I feel I have every right to be smug about it. My left labia is smarter than you.

Now, don't get down on yourself. There is no way you could have seen this coming.

But after completing her undergrad at MIT in Neuro-Physics (while I partied away at Cal Sate) and receiving a joint-PhD from both Cornell and Yale in Industrial Movements of Light and Sound (while I worked as a book stocker at Barnes & Noble), I think it's pretty much official: my left labia is smarter than you and your Nobel-Prize winning grandmother.

Yet despite these academic accomplishments, I've noticed that Old Lefty has been a little down of late. She's recently stopped building her model suspension bridges, which actually works out well for me - more drying racks! And I miss our philosophical talks about human nature, the meaning of life, and whether or not that gooey yellow substance that's stuck to the kitchen counter is edible.

To cheer her up, I've enrolled her in a NASA Space Camp for the summer. But don't tell her, I want it to be a surprise.

I Don't Have the Bloggiest.... (waa waa waa)

Popcorn. It's a one-piece-at-a-time food. Often, people try to eat this foodstuff in twos or even multiples; this should not be attempted, as surely, only one piece is going to actually make it to your mouth at a time... leaving the rest of the pieces to spill all over your lap or onto the floor. The bottom line: popcorn is not a cost-effective food.

The Butt. After twenty-three years of long, hard thought and much consternation, I have come to the conclusion that the gluteus maximus is the most well-made part of the human body. Think about it - it does exactly what it's meant to do. It rarely tears or breaks, and you can always depend on it to keep you warm, be your friend, or do your taxes.

Vaginas. After you turn ninety-eight, they no longer smell. I know this because my great-grandmother told me so, and she has never lied about anything... ever.