It's true. And I feel I have every right to be smug about it. My left labia is smarter than you.
Now, don't get down on yourself. There is no way you could have seen this coming.
But after completing her undergrad at MIT in Neuro-Physics (while I partied away at Cal Sate) and receiving a joint-PhD from both Cornell and Yale in Industrial Movements of Light and Sound (while I worked as a book stocker at Barnes & Noble), I think it's pretty much official: my left labia is smarter than you and your Nobel-Prize winning grandmother.
Yet despite these academic accomplishments, I've noticed that Old Lefty has been a little down of late. She's recently stopped building her model suspension bridges, which actually works out well for me - more drying racks! And I miss our philosophical talks about human nature, the meaning of life, and whether or not that gooey yellow substance that's stuck to the kitchen counter is edible.
To cheer her up, I've enrolled her in a NASA Space Camp for the summer. But don't tell her, I want it to be a surprise.
2.02.2007
I Don't Have the Bloggiest.... (waa waa waa)
Popcorn. It's a one-piece-at-a-time food. Often, people try to eat this foodstuff in twos or even multiples; this should not be attempted, as surely, only one piece is going to actually make it to your mouth at a time... leaving the rest of the pieces to spill all over your lap or onto the floor. The bottom line: popcorn is not a cost-effective food.
The Butt. After twenty-three years of long, hard thought and much consternation, I have come to the conclusion that the gluteus maximus is the most well-made part of the human body. Think about it - it does exactly what it's meant to do. It rarely tears or breaks, and you can always depend on it to keep you warm, be your friend, or do your taxes.
Vaginas. After you turn ninety-eight, they no longer smell. I know this because my great-grandmother told me so, and she has never lied about anything... ever.
The Butt. After twenty-three years of long, hard thought and much consternation, I have come to the conclusion that the gluteus maximus is the most well-made part of the human body. Think about it - it does exactly what it's meant to do. It rarely tears or breaks, and you can always depend on it to keep you warm, be your friend, or do your taxes.
Vaginas. After you turn ninety-eight, they no longer smell. I know this because my great-grandmother told me so, and she has never lied about anything... ever.
1.26.2007
Frenchies Gettin' Hot for Them Visages Tres Nouveaux
I just want to start off by saying that this is not a slam fest of France. In fact, I love France and the French. I apprecite the fries and horns that they've brought to America, I love to drop a beat to French rap, and where would we be without Jean Paul Gaultier, I mean really. J'adore eclairs, j'adore croissants, et j'aime Orangina un petite peu. (Those aren't things I actually like, my French teacher told me to say that).
But I have to ask... two questions actually... well, ok, a few qustions...
Why are French doctors so obsessed with all transplantin' people's faces lately? And why is the media billing this as some all-new, all-exciting procedure? Haven't plastic surgeons in L.A. been doing this for decades for wannabe starlets and actual starlets alike? You know, for people that actually NEED the face transplants - not like those annoying burn victims and the deformed-at-birth.
I think it was more impressive when doctors first learned that they could transplant Babboon boobs to Coutney Love's chest. And what about that other doctor performed that highly invasive surgery where Janice Dickinson swapped faces (and va-jay-jays) with a Sea Monster? Why didn't those doctors get any credit?
Now, I'm not saying that these new Frenchie docteurs shouldn't be lauded for their new-fangled face-plants, I'm just saying that those plastic surgeons in L.A. should get the credit (and the fame, monetary compensation, and luxury automobile) that they deserve. These are Hollywood careers at stake here; not the livelihood of some lesser-known Joe or Jacques just trying to get by and lead a happy, fulfilling life.
But I have to ask... two questions actually... well, ok, a few qustions...
Why are French doctors so obsessed with all transplantin' people's faces lately? And why is the media billing this as some all-new, all-exciting procedure? Haven't plastic surgeons in L.A. been doing this for decades for wannabe starlets and actual starlets alike? You know, for people that actually NEED the face transplants - not like those annoying burn victims and the deformed-at-birth.
I think it was more impressive when doctors first learned that they could transplant Babboon boobs to Coutney Love's chest. And what about that other doctor performed that highly invasive surgery where Janice Dickinson swapped faces (and va-jay-jays) with a Sea Monster? Why didn't those doctors get any credit?
Now, I'm not saying that these new Frenchie docteurs shouldn't be lauded for their new-fangled face-plants, I'm just saying that those plastic surgeons in L.A. should get the credit (and the fame, monetary compensation, and luxury automobile) that they deserve. These are Hollywood careers at stake here; not the livelihood of some lesser-known Joe or Jacques just trying to get by and lead a happy, fulfilling life.
1.25.2007
Subduing a Fat City of Fat People
Per the request of Mr. Saltzberg@gmail.com, I have taken yesterday's blog and replaced the words "Country" with "Fat City" and "Monster" with "Fat People." In doing so, Mr. Saltzberg@gmail.com believes that this will change the meaning of the blog entirely. Let's see if he's right...
I'm sure that many of you out there have never had to subdue a Fat City of Fat People. And hopefully, none of you will. In a world where terrorists, tsunamis, global warming, and Dakota Fanning post constant threats to humanity, there seems to be little emphasis on mere Fat Citites full of Fat People.
But friends, skinny Americans, wealthy Angelenos, I warn you this: Fat People Fat Cities are full of evil. Fat Cities of Fat People want to kill you, and more than kill you, they want to take your freedom and also many of your favorite appliances. In order to do so, they will inject persistent feelings of fear and chaos into your daily lives. They will use the media, car bombs, ski masks, and their Fatness as weapons. How can we defend ourselves and our American freedom that we hold so dear? Follow me, with your eyes, to a point just below this point, for pointers....
1. Be sure to stockpile the usual necesseties: water, canned food, piles of money, and rubbing alcohol.
2. If a Fat Person from a Fat People Fat City is attacking you directly, point a firehose in its direction and allow the water pressure to work its magic. If that doesn't work, try to light the Fat Person on fire. If that doesn't work, run but don't scream - screaming will only make you look weak in front of the Fat Person, and as Americans, we can't afford that.
3. Hang a sign in front of your house that reads "Fat People Food," with an arrow pointing to your neighbor's house. If we all do this, the Fat People are sure to get confused and lose interest.
4. When all else fails, patiently sit and wait for your local superhero to sweep in and rescue you.
Also, be sure to teach your children about Fat People. Kids must know that Fat People are a part of the world and that they intend to do us harm. If your children are terrorized or raped by a Fat Person, help them to cope by telling them that America is the greatest country on Earth, and that the Fat People are just jealous of our way of life.
And most importantly, have a blessed day.
I'm sure that many of you out there have never had to subdue a Fat City of Fat People. And hopefully, none of you will. In a world where terrorists, tsunamis, global warming, and Dakota Fanning post constant threats to humanity, there seems to be little emphasis on mere Fat Citites full of Fat People.
But friends, skinny Americans, wealthy Angelenos, I warn you this: Fat People Fat Cities are full of evil. Fat Cities of Fat People want to kill you, and more than kill you, they want to take your freedom and also many of your favorite appliances. In order to do so, they will inject persistent feelings of fear and chaos into your daily lives. They will use the media, car bombs, ski masks, and their Fatness as weapons. How can we defend ourselves and our American freedom that we hold so dear? Follow me, with your eyes, to a point just below this point, for pointers....
1. Be sure to stockpile the usual necesseties: water, canned food, piles of money, and rubbing alcohol.
2. If a Fat Person from a Fat People Fat City is attacking you directly, point a firehose in its direction and allow the water pressure to work its magic. If that doesn't work, try to light the Fat Person on fire. If that doesn't work, run but don't scream - screaming will only make you look weak in front of the Fat Person, and as Americans, we can't afford that.
3. Hang a sign in front of your house that reads "Fat People Food," with an arrow pointing to your neighbor's house. If we all do this, the Fat People are sure to get confused and lose interest.
4. When all else fails, patiently sit and wait for your local superhero to sweep in and rescue you.
Also, be sure to teach your children about Fat People. Kids must know that Fat People are a part of the world and that they intend to do us harm. If your children are terrorized or raped by a Fat Person, help them to cope by telling them that America is the greatest country on Earth, and that the Fat People are just jealous of our way of life.
And most importantly, have a blessed day.
1.24.2007
Eponymous Blog: Subduing a Country of Monsters
I'm sure that many of you out there have never had to subdue a country of monsters. And hopefully, none of you will. I realize that in a world where terrorists, tsunamis, global warming, and Dakota Fanning pose constant threats to humanity, there seems little emphasis on mere countries full of monsters.
But friends, Americans, wealthy Angelenos, I warn you this: monster countries are full of evil. Countries of monsters want to kill you, and more than kill you, they want to take your freedom and also many of your favorite appliances. In order to do so, they will inject persistent feelings of fear and chaos into your daily lives. They will use the media, car bombs, ski masks, and their monsterness as weapons. How can we defend ourselves and our American freedom that we hold so dear? Follow me, with your eyes, to a point just below this point, for pointers....
1. Be sure to stockpile the usual necesseties: water, canned food, piles of money, and rubbing alcohol.
2. If a monster from a monster country is attacking you directly, point a firehose in its direction and allow the water pressure to work its magic. If that doesn't work, try to light the monster on fire. If that doesn't work, run but don't scream - screaming will only make you look weak in front of the monster, and as Americans, we can't afford that.
3. Hang a sign in front of your house that reads "Monster Food," with an arrow pointing to your neighbor's house. If we all do this, the monsters are sure to get confused and lose interest.
4. When all else fails, patiently sit and wait for your local superhero to sweep in and rescue you.
Also, be sure to teach your children about monsters. Kids must know that monsters are a part of the world and that they intend to do us harm. If your children are terrorized or raped by monster scum, help them to cope by telling them that America is the greatest country on Earth, and that the monsters are just jealous of our way of life.
And most importantly, have a blessed day.
But friends, Americans, wealthy Angelenos, I warn you this: monster countries are full of evil. Countries of monsters want to kill you, and more than kill you, they want to take your freedom and also many of your favorite appliances. In order to do so, they will inject persistent feelings of fear and chaos into your daily lives. They will use the media, car bombs, ski masks, and their monsterness as weapons. How can we defend ourselves and our American freedom that we hold so dear? Follow me, with your eyes, to a point just below this point, for pointers....
1. Be sure to stockpile the usual necesseties: water, canned food, piles of money, and rubbing alcohol.
2. If a monster from a monster country is attacking you directly, point a firehose in its direction and allow the water pressure to work its magic. If that doesn't work, try to light the monster on fire. If that doesn't work, run but don't scream - screaming will only make you look weak in front of the monster, and as Americans, we can't afford that.
3. Hang a sign in front of your house that reads "Monster Food," with an arrow pointing to your neighbor's house. If we all do this, the monsters are sure to get confused and lose interest.
4. When all else fails, patiently sit and wait for your local superhero to sweep in and rescue you.
Also, be sure to teach your children about monsters. Kids must know that monsters are a part of the world and that they intend to do us harm. If your children are terrorized or raped by monster scum, help them to cope by telling them that America is the greatest country on Earth, and that the monsters are just jealous of our way of life.
And most importantly, have a blessed day.
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